Here we go. Conforming to the published recommendations for a basic healthy diet. This is only the basics, before you ever touch a Dorito.

1. My personal projected way to consume the 11 (eleven) servings of grain products daily that the so-called nutrition experts say I should:

Breakfast:
One whole wheat English Muffin
One bowl of oatmeal
One bowl of dry cereal
One piece of toast
One serving of grits
One whole grain waffle

Lunch: (Oh God, I have to eat again??)
Two slices whole grain bread for a sandwich
One bowl of brown rice pudding

Dinner: (Oh, no. groan.)
One whole grain roll
One serving brown rice

2. My projected way to consume the 5 daily servings of vegetables required, added to this menu:

Breakfast: (No way I can face a vegetable for breakfast)

Lunch: (Oh God, I have to eat again??)
Two slices whole grain bread for a sandwich
One bowl of brown rice pudding
Add:
One tall glass of V-8
One serving of coleslaw

Dinner: (Oh, no. groan.)
One whole grain roll
One serving brown rice
Add:
One baked potato
One serving steamed broccoli
One large leafy greens salad

3. My projected way to consume the recommended daily servings of dairy products, with the understanding that no charts agree on what that is, added to this menu:

Breakfast:
One whole wheat English Muffin
One bowl of oatmeal
One bowl of dry cereal
One piece of toast
One serving of grits
One whole grain waffle
Add:
One glass of milk, complete with bovine growth hormones and antibiotics

Lunch: (Oh God, I have to eat again??)
Two slices whole grain bread for a sandwich
One bowl of brown rice pudding
One tall glass of V-8
One serving of coleslaw
Add:
One oz. cheese on the sandwich
One box of yogurt

Dinner: (Oh, no. groan.)
One whole grain roll
One serving brown rice
One baked potato
One serving steamed broccoli
One large leafy greens salad
Add:
1/4 container of sour cream and as much butter as possible on the baked potato
One glass of milk with the stuff noted above, for good measure

4. My projected way to consume the recommended 5 servings of fruit, added to this menu:

Breakfast:
One whole wheat English Muffin
One bowl of oatmeal
One bowl of dry cereal
One piece of toast
One serving of grits
One whole grain waffle
One glass of milk, complete with bovine growth hormones and antibiotics
Add:
One tall glass of orange juice
One banana

Lunch: (Oh God, I have to eat again??)
Two slices whole grain bread for a sandwich
One bowl of brown rice pudding
One tall glass of V-8
One serving of coleslaw
One oz. cheese on the sandwich
One box of yogurt
Add:
One sliced peach under the yogurt
One quarter of a cantaloupe

Dinner: (Oh, no. groan.)
One whole grain roll
One serving brown rice
One baked potato
One serving steamed broccoli
One large leafy greens salad
1/4 container of sour cream and as much butter as possible on the baked potato
One glass of milk with the stuff noted above, for good measure
Add:
One serving cherries or grapes for dessert

5. My projected way to consume the recommended servings of meat, fish or protein alternatives, which nobody dares venture what they are any more, but used to be considerable and still insists upon fish, added to this menu:

Breakfast:
One whole wheat English Muffin
One bowl of oatmeal
One bowl of dry cereal
One piece of toast
One serving of grits
One whole grain waffle
One glass of milk, complete with bovine growth hormones and antibiotics
One tall glass of orange juice
One banana
Add:
One soft boiled egg

Lunch: (Oh God, I have to eat again??)
Two slices whole grain bread for a sandwich
One bowl of brown rice pudding
One tall glass of V-8
One serving of coleslaw
One oz. cheese on the sandwich
One box of yogurt
One sliced peach under the yogurt
One quarter of a cantaloupe
Add:
One slice of ham on the sandwich
One bowl lentil soup

Dinner: (Oh, no. groan.)
One whole grain roll
One serving brown rice
One baked potato
One serving steamed broccoli
One large leafy greens salad
1/4 container of sour cream and as much butter as possible on the baked potato
One glass of milk with the stuff noted above, for good measure
One serving cherries or grapes for dessert
One large pile of catsup over whatever needs it, to help cover all bases since nobody knows if a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable.
Add:
One serving of broiled fish or one chicken breast I better not fry
One serving of pinto beans

And for my reward:
One small glass of heart medication known as red wine
One square dose of antioxidents known as dark chocolate

There. I sincerely hope (urp) that I didn't omit anything important.

Following these recommendations will likely force you to give up coffee, desserts, chips, margaritas, Tums, and anything else that could possibly take up room in your stomach. That may please the chart-makers. But remember, ice cream is dairy, chips and popcorn are grain, strawberry jam is fruit, and I believe vodka is made from potatoes. Therefore, a Bloody Mary counts as a vegetable serving. A pizza contains a great deal of healthy tomato sauce, and a whole can of cashews contains (I'm almost certain) protein. Coffee is made from beans and the caffeine may prevent you from slipping into a coma from all this eating. Be creative.

My personal projected result of their good advice: I would weigh 300 lbs.

Projected result if we all followed their good advice: the obesity epidemic would certainly not decline.

Any questions?

Thanks for reading.

Next: Volume 3, Article 1

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