A Great Pretender is what you need to be if you are looking for a job and going on interviews, particularly if you really, actually want one. The art of feigning will be required now. No, not fainting, that's only for emergencies. Feigning as in pretending. I speak as a not-well-enough-seasoned practitioner of the art myself.
There are only two kinds of job applicants, the employed and the unemployed. Employed, it's difficult but you have an income. Unemployed, it's easier but you're broke. If you are presently employed, you may not be for long if they find out what you're doing. Now we're down to one kind. I also speak as a fellow-applicant.
As this Job Applicant:
You not only have to feign interest, but excitement and enthusiasm at the prospect of going right back to being a wage slave as soon as possible.
You must feign fascination with and immediate comprehension of whatever new and strange or old and detested computer system is in use there.
You have to feign friendliness and appreciation toward people you wouldn't give the time of day to on your own time, and social eptitude (which I take to be the opposite of ineptitude, i.e. to be ept) in all situations, the art of pacifism in the face of office politics, and above all, you must convey in the first five minutes what a great "team player" you are.
You have to say you know and pray you can figure it out privately in 30 seconds, claim you're familiar and pray it will come back to you intact the first time you need to be, and, most of all, convincingly portray complimentary knowledge of who the company is and what the hell they do and pray they want to give you the speech on their entire history and how wonderful they are anyway. I don't mean you should claim knowledge you really do not have, but you should not admit to outright lack of knowledge about anything either. You are, of course, a sponge.
Ideally, you should look 5 years older if you're 19 and 20 years younger if you're 60. You should "dress for success" in the sombre-toned, severely tailored outfit that doesn't become you, doesn't fit you, or you don't own. Women have to buy blazers in black, off-black and pale black, and men (unless things have changed more than I know) have to buy ties in any solid color but yellow. Actually, these days, that works just as well in reverse.
Random Tips:
In an interview with a new company, you should never speak disparagingly about your old company (the bastards), or the new company will expect you would do the same to them after they chew you up and spit you out.
You should give as little personal information as possible in the "tell me about yourself" phase. It's best not to take them up on it, because (1) most of their consideration of you as an employee gloms right onto the personal no matter what they say, and (2) whatever you say will come back to haunt you. Strive to appear interesting and innocuous at the same time. This takes practice. (Oh, my little life isn't half as interesting as your wonderful corporation. Don't say that, of course. Intimate.)
Never admit, in the "friendly conversation" portion of the interview, to any affinity for liquor, cigarettes, cats or vacations. Golf and Mexican food are okay. Church is optional. Play it by ear.
When the company's benefits package is presented, emit dignified "oooh"s and "ah"s at appropriate intervals over the sumptuousness and generosity of the package. (Who could imagine I would get 8 days of vacation after only 5 years? Of course, I'll be retired or dead by then.)
Try hard to keep your right hand cool (not cold) and dry for the opening and closing handshakes. Success in this effort is not guaranteed. That the interviewer does not want you stuck to him is.
Try not to react with anything but well-bred indifference if you are treated in a high-handed manner, offended by anyone's language, outraged by sexist remarks, or asked out on a date. Just make your well-bred exit and don't go back. We don't have to put up with that. This is the nineties, Or it used to be. This is the 21st century. I'm almost sure of that.
Specific Tips:
You may have read that you should try to sit to the right of the prospective employer. No. Sit directly in front of him if you can, so you can watch his eyes for shiftiness. If a third person is in the room during the interview, pay no attention and direct no comments to that person unless specifically asked. That person is there in a learning capacity, probably to replace the interviewer when it is his turn to be canned, or is the secret owner/boss of the company, in which case nothing you say will help if he/she already doesn't like you.
Don't huff and puff if you must follow someone upstairs. If you think you will, try to avoid interviews in buildings without elevators.
Never ask where the restroom is unless you are in imminent danger of barfing on his desk.
If you can get a glimpse of the other employees (sometimes this is vigorously discouraged), try to judge by the looks on their faces how miserable they are.
If you are a woman who normally carries a two foot square tote bag, this is the time to leave it home and carry whatever small black purse you can scrounge up. (Especially if the tote bag proclaims in large letters that you are The Cat Lady.)
Remember to floss your teeth and comb the back of your hair. Pre-interview, not post.
You might want to scope out the break room if you suspect you may be hired, to see how much they charge for the coffee. If you smoke, unfortunately you better scope out the distance from the office to the nearest outside exit, add time for waiting for elevators, and decide if you can make the trek in 15 minutes.
Hope they aren't so impressed with you that they invite you to lunch unless your table manners are impeccable. Along the same lines, hope your interview is scheduled for after 9 A.M. when they've had enough coffee, or 2 P.M. when they're pretty sure to have had lunch. After 4 P.M. is anathema; they're hoping you won't come.
And need I say it? Never be late for an interview, or they will know right off the bat that you are probably late to work pretty regularly, too.
In Closing (and about time, isn't it?):
Remember, the word "employ" is defined as "to use". (I will employ this method. I will use this person.) An employer is just what the name implies, a user. His function is to use you. Your function is to let him, and collect as much money for it as possible. When you've had enough, he will let you know.
You may note that I have no tips on what kind of salary to ask for. That is a question for which there is only one answer. More.
So, rev yourself up pre-interview by chanting "I want this job" and post-interview by chanting "I didn't want that job".
Go home. Have a drink, smoke a cigarette, pet your cat, and take a vacation.
Good luck.
Required Disclaimer:
If you screw up severely and blame it on me, I didn't mean a word I said.
The views expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the website owner. (Even though we're talking about the same person.)
This article is free to use, pass around, print and make paper airplanes from. As long as you don't claim you wrote it.
That's the end of the boring stuff too.
Thanks for reading.
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