^<>$$--the $TOCK MARKET--$$^\*
...today's stock market report....
HELIUM WAS UP***FEATHERS WERE DOWN***PAPER WAS STATIONARY••••••••
FLUORESCENT TUBING WAS DIMMED IN LIGHT TRADING*****KNIVES WERE UP SHARPLY*****COWS STEERED INTO A BULL MARKET*****PENCILS LOST A FEW POINTS••••••••
HIKING EQUIPMENTS WAS TRAILING*****ELEVATORS ROSE*****WHILE ESCALATORS CONTINUED THEIR SLOW DECLINE••••••
WEIGHTS WERE UP IN HEAVY TRADING*****LIGHT SWITCHES WERE OFF*****MINING EQUIPMENT HIT ROCK BOTTOM•••••••
DIAPERS REMAINED UNCHANGED******SHIPPING LINES STAYED AT AN EVEN KEEL*****THE MARKET FOR RAISINS DRIED UP*****COCA COLA FIZZLED••••••
SUN PEAKED AT MIDDAY****BALLOON PRICES WERE INFLATED*****SCOTT TISSUE TOUCHED A NEW BOTTOM****AND BATTERIES EXPLODED IN AN ATTEMPT TO RECHARGE THE MARKET........
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