:):):)~ p r e s e n t s: ~:):):)







Don't throw a brick straight up.

UNLESS of course the objective is ...straight up.

Far safer to throw a feather straight up, but far more difficult indeed.

Don't take long naps while driving.



THIS of course depends on what you are driving.

While driving home a point often speakers appear to be napping!

Driving a nail would make for a short snooze for sure!

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.



ALL toxic waste dumps SHOULD be round.

Wouldn't it be ironic to have the runs as you run around it!

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make more.

INDEED your body is HOLY!

Don't microwave yourself too often.

MAKE all of your waves MACRO!

...Wave to everyone....Wave OFTEN!
You would be so surprised at the reaction.



Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

Modified: Don't stick body parts smaller than your head (not to be confused with the size of your brain) into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

But it is OK to lick a flagpole in winter.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts, "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up.

Cover it with your arms and duck.

LIKEWISE, when on the golf course, and someone yells FORE, you have FIVE seconds to DIVE... for the GREEN.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

do KNOT tie yourself to an airplane propeller....

When you are in bed, remember to close your eyes.

Although it may help more if you could close your ears.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.



AND if you're a monkey, no matter how tempting it is to be one with the real world, stay on the INSIDE of all fences!!!!!

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Thumb TAX should be either illegal, or flat taxed.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks," there is no need to report it on your income tax return.



HOWEVER, if you do NOT find a prize in a box of cracker jacks, immediately report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.

Likely they are working on several similar cases!

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.

Watch what you wear on your wrist.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.

Someone will surely demand a recount. An apPEAl of some sort.

If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.

Likely they will ignore your complaint.




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