After finally recovering from the many operations, I completely lost it. The drinking became worse and my drug use sky-rocketed. There was not a day that I was not either drunk or stoned. I had many black-outs and a total loss of all inhibitions. I did not care who I had sex with, who I stole from, or who I screwed up. I really do not want to go too deep into the sex because there was just too much, and most of the time I did not care who gave me relief.
I met Robert after one of my deep-down, major drunk nights, with the worst hangover ever. He was an alcoholic too, and as long we both stayed drunk, we actually had no problems dealing with each other. It took us about four weeks to get married, nine months to get divorced, and another nine months to get remarried again. We sabotaged each others' sobriety all the time.
After we moved to the U.S., I lost all ties with my family and the drug use became even worse. In less than seven months in the States, I was in trouble with the law for D.U.I.'s and drug running. I've done everything illegal imaginable and I got caught only twice. Both times I had an awesome lawyer and made out with less than 3 months jail total.
The last months of my drug use were the hardest. Paranoia started setting in and the tweaking and suicide attempts became unbearable. Between trying to stay sober without help and my mental "hiccups" I made several suicide attempts. The last one sticks the most in my mind... I took 75, 1000-milligram muscle relaxers, and I was declared dead for 4 minutes. The doctor was just signing the death certificate when I started breathing again. I never tried again after that. Just no use.
In February 1998, I called the police on myself. I knew that if I took that 8-ball in my house I was going to die. I had no idea how to get into a rehab or what AA was, so in my thinking I thought jail was where I at least could get some help. The officer, Sargent Sanchez, of the Fountain Colorado Police, was my angel in disguise. He came alone to my house, and after I explained what was going on and that I needed help, he took me to a mental health place. Before they could place me, I had to go to detox. Detox did not take me right away because I had no alcohol in my blood. I had stopped drinking a while back and went back to mushrooms, pot, cocaine, and everything else. So Sgt. Sanchez had to drive me to the hospital to do a drug test and I came out very hot. They found everything in my blood except LSD and alcohol. Detox very happily took me then, with a prescription for Valium. Detox was hard. I came in weighing about 81 lbs. I had some loss of kidney function, my liver was nearly shut down and I had open sores all over my body.
Fourteen days later I ended up in a 28-day treatment program. I did good, finished it, got out and relapsed. So next I went into a Behavior Modification rehab called Cenikor. My mom always said if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all, so the only thing I will say is, "NOTHING". I left and went into the Salvation Army, and that turned out to be the right place at the right time. There I learned that it is possible to have real friends, even for me, and that I am a good person even though I had gotten so screwed up. I learned that some people just love to give hugs without expecting anything in return. (Thanks Lisa!) I graduated, and as of April 15th this year, I have 9 years of sobriety.
On February 11th, 2001, I moved to Michigan to a man who is the best thing that ever happend to me. Our relationship is thriving and is as healthy as I can be.
He taught me that I AM a lovable person
Thank you Lord Machiavelli. You are the best
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