How many of us go directly from our mail boxes to the trash can with the day's haul?

Since we all got email, actual letters on real stationery from relatives and friends are like rare birds - you would never see one unless it wanted to poop on you. In fact, we even know when to expect a real letter, because the sender will have emailed us to tell us they sent one for some reason. This does make it easier and faster to sort through the daily mail on our way to the trash can, unless we're expecting birthday cards this week. But those are generally in square, colored envelopes and hard to miss.

I don't know what percentage of us email addicts has lost interest in the daily snail mail, but it could be substantial. If you are conducting a scientific study of this topic, do let me know. However, we really must remember to get that mail in every day (I tell myself sternly) because of the sheer volume of non-actual letters, catalogs, giant ads and notices from the Post Office about why it tore up our mail. If we don't, it could overflow the box and rise to the level of the doorknob in a week or so.

First Things First

A word of advice that is probably not necessary: Glance through the two dozen catalogs first. If they all have large notices on the covers, saying "If you don't order from us this time we will never send you another one of our precious catalogs as long as you live", it's safe to assume you'll get a duplicate batch in a couple of weeks and you can chuck them all. There. Onward to the collection of letters in long, business-size envelopes.

The Multiple-Choice Letters

This is just sort of a fun guessing game about what the missives in those envelopes are going to say. Some of them are a choice of the only one you're likely to see. Others you may have received all three of. See what you think.

Letter from your bank

We are so personally fond of you as a customer, we have decided to let you know that:

1. We will no longer charge you a fee to get your own money from an ATM.
2. We identified the mistake on your last statement and, sure enough, you do have $200.00 more than we said you did.
3. You are $9,158.67 overdrawn.

Letter from the car dealership

We are so proud that you bought our motor product, we are writing to inform you that:

1. We will give you $100. for every friend or relative you send to us.
2. We will reduce your car payments by the amount of three of the four duplicate insurance coverages we added on.
3. Your car has a serious defect, and you must bring it in immediately before you get killed.

Letter from the mortgage company

We are so pleased to be the beneficiaries of your huge mortgage, we are going to:

1. Reduce your interest rate by 1/4 of a percent.
2. Handle your escrow better to avoid billing you for shortages.
3. Sell you an expensive insurance policy that duplicates two you already have.

Letter from your real estate agent

We see that you bought a new home last year, and therefore:

1. Be sure to let us know if the neighbor's five ferocious dogs turn out to be a problem.
2. We are embarrassed to advise you that the extra points you paid were in error, and are herewith refunding your $9,000.
3. You must surely be ready to buy another new home by now, and we are here to serve you.

Letter from your doctor

We have received the results of your recent tests and we are horrified to inform you that:

1. We lost them and you must come in immediately to have the tests run over again.
2. We have not yet reached a consensus on the results, but the janitor is pretty sure you are going to die next week.
3. You are an extremely healthy individual and we hate you.

Letter from your broker

Please do not put this letter aside until later, because:

1. The bottom fell out of your stocks.
2. The rate decreased on your CDs.
3. You must send us a large amount of money immediately.

Letter from the grocery store down the street

We are so pleased at the prospect of gaining you for a customer that:

1. We are having a gigantic sale on all perishable items that perished yesterday and all expired items that expired last month!
2. We added another checker to our staff so that the ten checkout stations will now have three checkers instead of two!
3. We are offering you our elite discount card, so you can buy groceries at our regular prices after we double the prices for the poor saps without a card.

Letter from the utility company

You should be aware, as it was on the local TV news last Sunday for five full seconds, right between the six minute report on the benefits of finger painting in kindergarten and the highly rated beer commercials everyone watches, that:

1. We neglected to charge you as high a rate for gas last winter as we have now learned we could have, and therefore there will be an extra $80. for gas included on your monthly bill all summer.
2. We neglected to charge you as high a rate for electricity for air conditioning last summer as we discovered we could have, and therefore there will be an extra $80. for electricity on your monthly bill all winter.
3. We have finally received permission to raise our water rates, and the new rate will be apparent on your next bill, especially in view of the fact that you must have a leak somewhere because your water usage is approximately that of the city of Des Moines.

Letter from your auto insurance company

In these days of higher risk, angry drivers and lawsuit mania, we would like to suggest that:

1. You increase your coverage with us for only another $500. per quarter, while this offer lasts.
2. You buy a newer car and insure it with us so we can charge you a rate that makes these letters worth our trouble.
3. Your claim is not covered under this policy.

Letter from your dental insurance carrier

Thank you for submitting the required 29 page claim form for our consideration. Unfortunately, we cannot cover this procedure because:

1. The extraction was not performed between 10:30 and 10:35 A.M. as required by your policy.
2. There is some disagreement on whether or not a molar is a tooth.
3. The company just filed bankruptcy.

Letter from a credit card company you don't have a card with

Apply for our new gilded diamond platinum card NOW and:

1. We will not charge you any interest for the first year, if you can read the 90 lines of fine print in the following inch of space.
2. We will send you these FREE gifts which cost $10. in catalogs and bill your new card only $20. shipping apiece.
3. We will pay off your old, high-interest card at 2% interest for a month or two (see dates), followed by an undetermined interest rate (see charts) that will probably (see graph) be so much higher it will astound you.

Letter from a credit card company you do have a card with

In order to better serve you:

1. We have recently changed our name again, and the name of your card this month is........
2. We have recently changed your PIN number to 83746520999300577536474. Do not forget this number and do not carry it on you.
3. We are enclosing our newest version of "Your Rights under the Fair Credit Reporting Act", which is a book length document we have cleverly printed on this one handy wallet sized paper.

Letter from your travel agent

We are sorry to inform you that:

1. Your chosen dates for travel are unavailable at this time. Would you be interested in January 2-10 of the year 2009?
2. The price of your airfare increased by $350. between the first and second rings of your telephone call to confirm.
3. The airline tickets you purchased before you died can be used only by you and are non-refundable.

Letter from the City Streets Department

THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT:

1. Your street will be closed and blocked off next week, Monday through Friday, 7 AM to 6 PM, for needed repairs and repaving. Do not attempt to drive on your street during those hours.
2. Your street will be closed and blocked off next week, Monday through Friday, 7 AM to 6 PM, for needed repairs and repaving. In the event of rain, you may or may not be notified of new dates.
3. Your street will be closed and blocked off next week, Monday through Friday, 7 AM to 6 PM, for needed repairs and repaving. In the event you foolishly try to leave your house in your car, you will be arrested.

Letter from the lawn care service

Hello! Well, it is that time of year again, and we look forward to:

1. Doubling your rates for lawn care this year.
2. Mowing down those pesky sprouts from the $10. lily bulbs you planted right in our way.
3. Collecting $500. from you for the mower we broke last year on the boulder you carelessly dropped in your yard.

And the small letter you overlooked and threw out, unopened, with all the rest

Dear Cousin Mary,

Just a little note to tell you how much we've missed you in the last ten years. That's why, since Ed is unemployed and our five dear kids are out of school for the summer, we plan to come and visit you for an indefinite stay, so we will have lots of time to catch up! You will be amazed at how the kids have grown, and how many pizzas it takes to feed them, ha ha. Oh, we are also bringing our two Rottweilers, since the poor darlings are so unhappy when they are boarded, they might bite the attendants again, and we can't afford another lawsuit. We will be arriving on Saturday..........

The Brown Envelopes you better open

From the I.R.S.

FORMAL NOTICE:

1. You are scheduled for an audit of your 1997 tax return, which we find highly suspicious. Please present yourself, your wife, your four children, your accountant, your lawyer, and every single receipt you own for that year to our office at the following location................
2. You have under-reported your income for the years 1995 and 1996 by $15.35 and $24.75 respectively. Please be prepared to vacate your house, as it now belongs to the United States Government...............
3. Your tax refund of 36¢ is enclosed.

From the State Unemployment Compensation Board

FORMAL NOTICE:

1. Your claim for unemployment benefits is hereby denied. You are ineligible because your former employer doesn't like you. Please continue to send detailed claim forms for the next six months.
2. Your claim for unemployment benefits is hereby approved. You are eligible because your former employer laid everyone off and closed. You will receive a check for $72. each week as long as you do as we say.
3. Your check for unemployment benefits would be enclosed if we had not laid off our entire staff. This minor inconvenience will be corrected as soon as the State elects a new Governor.

From the Savings and Loan

FORMAL NOTICE

1. The XYZ Savings and Loan has been placed in Conservatorship. You may file a claim for the amount on deposit for a scheduled hearing in September, 2013, by doing the following.........
2. The XYZ Savings and Loan has declared bankruptcy. Your deposit, for some reason, no longer exists.
3. Congratulations! Your money market account has earned $9.17 this year. This income has been reported to the IRS for tax purposes.

From the School Board

It has come to our attention that:

1. You may not have received report cards sent home with your child for the last three years. We enclose copies at this time, to explain why your 12 year old child is still in the third grade.
2. Your child has not been seen in school since 1999. Since truancy is the responsibility of the parent, the arresting officer will arrive at your home today.
3. You are not a contributing member of the PTA. This can be remediated by sending 12 dozen fresh baked cookies to school with your child tomorrow as he promised us.

The opening-is-optional category

In my experience, the shorter size envelopes are usually requests for donations from all civic groups, charities, organizations and political parties which could possibly get your address. They're short so you will think the sender can't afford long ones. Actually, they can't if their CEOs took many extra trips to the Caribbean lately. I have no intention of criticising your altruistic motives. If you want to open those and ruin your day looking at graphic depictions of human and animal misery that are still used after 20 years because they are so effective, that's up to you. There is always the chance that a dollar or so of your $20 might actually help alleviate some of that misery, or at least go toward their postage bill.

The fat, colorful envelopes that contain a minimum of 75 slick, oversized coupons for good deals on services you don't need or items you don't buy, are usually the same set you got last time. So if you don't want to get a paper cut on the slicky envelope, unstick all the coupons and see what they're for, you can certainly toss those, too. Just don't blame me if you could have saved 5% of the cost of getting your new covered patio recovered.

And the giant envelopes containing sweepstakes entries, well.... you're going to open those? Surely you jest.

In conclusion,

just let me say I have nothing against snail mail. I have nothing against the good old U.S. Postal Service except for the fact that a 3¢ stamp (when I was younger) now costs 34¢ (so far this year). It would take a pretty good pay scale to make me deliver all that trash day after day. And I happen to think that's why 3¢ stamps went away. And 10¢ stamps, and 23¢ stamps and...........well, you get the idea.

But so help me, if they try to meddle with my email any more, I'll turn militant.

Thanks for reading.

copyright ©2001 by S. Goodman

NEXT: The Trouble With Harry