Author's Note:

Okay, this has been coming for a long time.

I actually wrote most of my Texanese article and all of the Texanese Quiz while I still resided in the namesake State of. For obvious reasons, I not only waited some years after I left the State of, but also until I'd lost contact with acquaintances there who knew my name. It took a while, and I had to move twice. But now I can speak freely.

And speak I shall.

Messing with Texas

Did you ever wonder why their anti-littering slogan is "Don't Mess With Texas"? "Don't mess up Texas" would be clear. "Don't mess with Texans" would be clear (and wise). But if we were to accidently mess "with" Texas, what would Texas, per se, do to us? Rise up on its hind legs and hit us over the head with El Paso? Give us a hotfoot with Brownsville? Poison us with Galveston Bay?

Messing with Texas is one of my favorite pasttimes, actually. I'm a notorious Texas-basher. It's more innocent fun to bash Texas than any place on earth. It makes me almost glad I lived there so long. Until I recall the fire ants and the... well, we won't go into that. Don't get me wrong; I like Texas. Sweat and prickly heat are among my favorite conditions.

Texans are among the kindest, friendliest folks in the world. I love them. They have practically no faults. They just tawwk wee-ird.

Obviously, I'm not a native. I just got dragged into Texas against my will or better judgement several times by parents, husband, or grown children. This resulted in spending about a third of my life living there while planning to go live somewhere else. That's how I became an expert in translating Texanese. It helps to have a hobby.

Texanese

That's the language native Texans speak. Adopted Texans never get it right, and displaced Yankees (like me) don't even try. I never said "y'all" in my life, and I don't call my Texas son-in-law, Mike, "Mock", either.

Texans don't pronounce a long "i", as in Mike, or the Bide Awhile Motel (which is the Bod Awall Mo'-tell). In fact, the letter i is not recognised at all, the long one being pronounced "ah" and the short one "ee". Where else can you make a phone call and be told the lawn is busy? Busy doing what, growing dandelions? (Also a long "o" is used only to substitute for a short one or in place of the "oy" sound of "oi". I never heard a Texan try to say "one iota". They say a tad instead.) In Texas, I wasn't night blind, I was not blond. Of course, both were true. So when they great you, they don't say "Hi", they say "Hey."

I suppose it would be embarrassing to go around saying "Ha" to everyone, or "Ha Yall", but I've heard that, too. I always made it a point to say "Hi, guys" in those situations, pronounced "Hiee, guyees". The immediate response was always "Y'all're not from around here, are y'all?", the plural "y'all" referring to the singular me, of course. (The second one was, why was I talking like Magnum, PI?)

I was rarely able to make an intelligent response to anything a native Texan said to me, since I rarely understood what it was he said. This was no great loss, as he wouldn't have noticed if my response was intelligent or not for the same reason (or others I wouldn't dream of elaborating on). I did say "I beg your pardon?" an awful lot. But after a while, when a checker chirped "Thank y'all" to me as I left the store alone, I gave her a smile instead of a baleful look. She was the 14th native to say it to me that day and I was taking notes. I quit saying "What?" and started listening. I had a much better time then.

Texanese is similar to, but not the same as, Southern. Southern drawls are well known, but in Texas they combine the drawl with a twang, for a quite ..er, unique effect. Texanese is not quite as slow, either. What it takes a person from Mississippi 3 days to say, a Texan can get said by nightfall if he starts early. It's the translating you may need help with, not falling asleep mid-sentence. Not that you're likely to fall asleep while some of the women talk. You've heard of voices that shatter glass? Yes, well... When you find yourself among those who speak Texanese, these are the first questions you may have:

1. Who is speaking?
2. What are they saying?
3. Where can I find a translator? (This I'll try to help you with)
4. Why am I here? (That I can't help you with)

Click here to go directly to the Quiz

or keep reading, and you'll get there later.

Who is Speaking? (A guide to native relationships and given names)

There are only 2 general rules, as everybody in Texas is either relations (relatives) or other people. In Texas your relations are your identity. The first thing anybody wants to know is who you're related to. They'll go though everybody they ever knew with the same last name, and they'll be really disappointed if you can't claim kinship, however far removed, to any of them. In fact, dare I say, Texans look on you with deep suspicion if you aren't related to anybody they know. But that's true in a lot of places.

The 2 general rules for addressing people:

1. A person and his/her family are always refered to as "Billy 'n them" or "Betty 'n them", and this extends to whatever other group Billy or Betty may be among at the moment.

2. For everyone else, "y'all" is used to address persons in a group of any number, including one, and this includes the possessive pronoun "y'all's", as in "Is that car on fire y'all's?"

In fact, here's a handy list of personal references:

You (plural) = Y'all
You (singular) = Y'all
Your = Y'all's
You are = Y'aller
You are not = Y'allernt
You have = Y'alluv
You have not = Y'allain'
Where are you? = Where y'all at?
Nice friendly greeting = Hey y'all doin' y'aller rat?

How to figure out who everybody is:

1. Parents are called Mama and Daddy during the entire lives of their children.
2. Grandparents are called MawMaw and PawPaw by eveyone in the family until such time as everyone is deceased.
3. Married couples fondly refer to each other as "mahuz been" (my husband) and "the waff" (the wife. Not "my" wife, "the" wife.)
4. A man refers to a woman he likes as a L'il Gal until she is well past middle age, and an Ol' Gal after that. He calls a woman he does not like an Ol' Hayuhfer (heifer), without regard to her age, and other, more colorful, terms we are not concerned with here.
5. On the other hand, the use of "you hayuhfer" or "you huzzy" between women are friendly terms, or pass as such.
6. The most common expression of sympathy is "pore ol' thang", and is acceptable in reference to man, woman, child, dog, or pickup.

Many Texans are parents. If they have a boy, they have a son. If they have a girl, they have a dorder. If they have both, they probably have a Bubba and a Sissy. I think it's a proven fact that 99% of Texas children who have any siblngs are called Bubba and Sissy, and so are probably 50% of those who don't. Any grade school teacher who calls on Bubba or Sissy will get 17 "Yes Ma'am"s.

What's in a Name?

Given names fall into 2 general categories:

1. The common ones, usually for men. Thus there will be 11 Billies and 7 Joe-Bobs in any group of men numbering 2 dozen or more.
2. The ones Mother heard, liked, and couldn't spell, but named the kid anyway, usually for women. Thus we have Sharmayne, Tressa, Shurlee, and other such names. The rest of the women are named Leona.

You can be acquainted with a Texan for many years without ever knowing his given name. This is generally because:

1. The name was never pronounced in English in your hearing.
2. He's been called by his nickname for 75 years and no one, including him, remembers what his given name was.
3. Nobody, including him, can spell it.

For example, Doyle may be a common name, but since nobody ever pronounces the "oy" sound (there are tawlets and toe-lits in Texas, but no toilets), you will think his name is Dole as long as you know him. And the fine surname of Pringle, common in Texas, is pronounced many ways, with up to 4 syllables. So if a man is introduced to you as Dole Pineapple, his name is probably Doyle Pringle.

You'll notice that about every third man in Texas is called Billy. (Most of the others are Bobby.) This probably means he was named William, and called Wee-yum until he was 4 years old and knocked out a 3 year old for calling him Wee-yum. Thereafter he was called Billy. If not Billy Bob. Others are Joe Bob, Ray Bob, and Jim Bob. I never met a Bob Bob, but you never know.

This works backwards, as well. In addition to all the Bobbys, there are Bobby Joes, Bobby Rays, etc. We won't confuse ourselves with the female Bobby Joes, er, Jos. Females in Texas generally look like females, which is quite refreshing.

Now the women have other names besides Leona, mostly Nelda, Gaylene, Jolene, and Ruby Fay. You may also meet Maydene, Fayrene, Modeen, or anything resembling the word Bayleaf. As Bob is for men, May is the most common middle name for women. There are women called Lula May, Daisy Mae, Fanny May and Addie Mae all over Texas. Really.

Whether a boy child starts out with James or Jimmy (I mean Jimmeh), James or Jimmy he will remain until he's buried. (This doesn't apply to Weeyums.) If a girl child is Bitsy, Bitsy she remains, even if she's 82 and weighs 300 pounds. And one grown man in 5 is called Bubba all of his days, for some reason I defy you to discover.

Click here to go directly to the Quiz

or keep reading and prepare yourself first.

What Are They Saying? (A guide to descriptive terms)

Phrases you hear in Texas tend to have different meanings than they do anywhere else, if they were heard anywhere else, that is. No general rules apply; each is a rule unto itself. Here are a few you can be reasonably sure of:

"Mah li'l place": The speaker's homeplace, which may be 500 oil wells, 500 square miles of cattle, or an area approximately the size of Maine on which it hasn't rained for 14 years.

"Big ol' dawg": An ugly hound as big as a horse who could kill you in 3 seconds flat. The owner's other 9 dawgs are probably smaller.

"Good tom": A party during which at least 10 kegs of beer were consumed, several marriages broke up and one man was shot.

"Fam'ly Ruhyewnyun": A couple of hundred related people spending several days in tents and campers in the back yard next to yours.

"Good ol' boy": Any male over 30 who is at least as disreputable as the speaker, and preferably more so.

"Li'l garden": 10 square miles of tomatoes.

"Li'l farm": 1,000 square miles of tomatoes.

"Li'l ol' bug": Any flying or crawling insect that weighs more than you do.

"Li'l drank": A water tumbler full of anything 100 proof, nursed for at least 2 minutes.

"Li'l cookout": A gathering of 6 or 8 neighbors, for which 3 beef steers have been roasting in deep holes all week.

"Bowla chileh": Any size container of soupy reddish stuff, made with a bucketful of cayenne peppers, some meat of unknown origin, and 2 beans, which you are expected to eat. And survive.

"Cuppa Coffeh": Velvety black liquid made with equal parts coffee and water, perked for 30 minutes and served boiling.

"Mundy week": A week from next Monday, unless you understood that, in which case it meant the Monday that was yesterday.

"Li'l breeze": A gust of wind that just blew over all the cabanas and sank 2 boats.

"Li'l windeh": A hurricane that wiped out a large city .

"Li'l warm out": The temperature has been 115 in the shade every day for weeks.

"Freezin' cold": The mercury plummeted from 75 to 65.

Other commonly used phrases are best not repeated here. However, I must say that Texans don't often swear. They do say "Hayull" and "Dayum" a lot, but that's not swearing.

The hardest thing for an outsider, I think, is just the pronunciation of words. If you ask a guy what he had for lunch, and he says "Not frod poke chops, jes kanna broled, with blackodd peas and jaunt frozz", would you know what he ate? I would, and hope he didn't become suddenly ill and have to go to the horse spittle.

Well, the Texanese pronunciation of numbers can give you pause, too, and it better if you're spending money. They can add, subtract and multiply in their heads faster than you can think. Listen very closely, if you know what's good for you.

Just remember, the long sound of the letter "i" is never pronounced, so the preferred pronunciation of five is "fahv" and of nine is "non". Also, there are several correct ways to pronounce four; "foah", "fower" "foe", and of course the ever popular "foe-err".

You'll get used to the "nondy non nondy fahv" prices in no time at all. If you hear an unfamilar number, such as "lebenty", don't worry. The speaker is more likely to be in the throes of a great story than counting your change.

You'll get used to most sentences ending in "at". Such as "Where y'all been at?" Where'd y'all eat lunch at?" "Where's she getting married at?" Eventually, you'll get used to the first syllables of most words getting the emphasis, too. Or the first syllable of what you consider the first syllable, such as BAY-ull FO-wold (billfold). Texas has MO-tels, IN-surance, PO-lice, not those other things you call them, and they have THANKS-giving, which I happen to like better!

Where Can I Find a Translator?

You just did. And to prove how easy it is, I provided a Li'l Quiz.

My Quiz is what started this whole thing, or putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. One of the girls in my office got me going a long time ago, when it was still okay to call them girls. They were not co-workers, colleagues or comrades yet in Texas. She kept talking about froddy knots, which sounded like a kind of sweet rolls to me, and I kept going to the lunch room hoping to find some. I never did. One day I asked her what they were.

Click here to go directly to the Quiz.

Yes, now you can go.