Phurry Pheline How-to

The Way to Weigh a Kitty

by Phelicity

When I hear about kitties having to go on diets, I can hardly believe it. Are humans including us in their addiction to diets? Or do some of us really need to lose weight? Why? Is that the silliest thing you ever heard? Me too. Now if a furry few kitties get so fat from boredom or overeating cheap food that's just empty calories that it makes them unhealthy, okay. We do need to be healthy. But are there weight charts for healthy kitties of different err... heights? I don't think so. So who decides and how? Usually your Vet.

You should probably worry if you have a skinny vet, and maybe if you have a thin meowmie, too. Who knows why they're thin? Maybe they're addicted to diets and are gonna look at you funny and start weighing you. Know how humans get weighed in the doctor's office? With their shoes on. Well, shoes weigh 20 pounds, just ask them. We don't have that advantage; we get weighed in nothin but our fur.

So this is to clue you in on weighs to way... I mean ways to weigh a kitty that might help out if you handle it right. Yes, I was getting to it. Now I have the opposite problem myself; nobody thinks I weigh enough. Well, I do too. Seven pounds is a purrfect weight. Except if you lost half a pound, efurrybody goes into hysterics. So my mom got into this whole weighing me business, and thought of so many weighs... I mean ways to do it, that I kinda got an education. It is not fun. That's why I'm passing on what I learned. Be forewarned.



1. The With and Without Trick

This is the funniest. What they do is, the human stands on a flat scale on the floor, looks at the number, goes eeek! and gets off. Then she picks you up and stands on it again, holding you. See, she thinks she can subtract the first weight from the one she sees now and get your weight. Except she can't see it because you're in the way. Why she didn't think of that, I don't know. So unless she decides to put you on her head or something, you're pretty safe from getting your weight figured out this way. But just in case, you need to squirm and wiggle all you can.

2. The Loading Platform

This is that big, scary scale in the vet's office, which is a horrid place to put a cat! I guess it has to be big enough for a St. Bernard or a horse to stand on, and keep in mind they probably did just before you, but a kitty can get lost on that thing. While the vet is sliding stuff above you, your meowmie is trying to take her hands off you at just the right second. The trick here, if you're little, is to wiggle so she can't (then you get part of her hand added on) or, if you're big, to stand furry still and lift a front leg. Then that leg won't get added, or they'll think you're about to bolt for an open door and forget the whole thing.

3. The Rock-a-baby

You might be unlucky enough to have a baby scale in your house, but most of us don't. My luck just about ran out when my mom decided to buy one to weigh me on. What saved me is that she couldn't find one that looked like they did 50 years ago and discovered what they look like now (and what they cost, too!). The new-fangled ones are digital. Well, maybe babies are digital now but kitties aren't. If you should get put on one of those, the best thing to do is bounce! And bounce and bounce. It makes the numbers blink all purrty and not say what you weigh.

4. The Postage Stamper.

If somebody in your house does a lot of officey stuff, they might have a postage meter scale. Mostly those are just letter-size and kitties are bigger than letters, which hopefully they know. But if it's a bigger one, it's dangerous!! and they got no business trying to put you on there! If anybody tries, just imagine getting mailed to Abu-dabi and do your best flying leap into all all the labels and stuff, so they'll have things to pick up long enough to forget all about it!



5. The Vegetable Humiliation.

This has to be the worst of all, cause it's the one I ended up with, and you can't imagine the humiliation! There are scales to weigh food on, and some houses may have one, like my mom remembered ours did. You get plunked on this flat part that barely has room for your bottom, and no matter how many times you get off, you get plunked right back on till the clock hand on there stands still at a number. What makes it even more embarrassing is, they think it's funny to weigh you in potatoes and carrots on there. For example, I weigh 7 potatoes and 2 carrots. That's Not Funny!

My best advice is to avoid getting weighed any weigh... I mean way you can. If you're big, and about to get weighed, fast for a day, visit the litter box first and suck in your tummy. If you're little, eat everything in sight first, try to wait fur the litter box till after, and puff out your fur. There are some things a dignified kitty should not have to do, and getting weighed is one of them. So when all else fails, HIDE.

And thats all I got to say.